Those of us with systemic autoimmune arthritis often hear that we are “too young” for arthritis, though we know we are not. If we spoke openly about our health conditions, we would also probably hear frequently how we are “too young” to die. But the truth is that we’re not too young for that either.
In the past week I’ve seen several news stories about the death of 23-year old Sasha McHale, daughter of former Minnesota Timberwolves coach Tom McHale, from lupus-related complications. Then, just in the last few days, I found out that Laura, of the blog Still’s Life, has died of complications from Still’s disease (Juvenille Idiopathic Arthritis). I did not know Sasha, and I wasn’t close to Laura, though I knew her through the twitter #rheum community, so I don’t want to claim that I have any stake in grieving for these two women, except in the way that anyone must grieve for an individual whose life ends just as it should be beginning. And for that I do grieve, as I did for Simone Watson, an Atlanta college student who died from lupus complications just days before her graduation with a dual bachelors/masters degree last spring.
I find myself combing the news articles and memorial posts, trying to figure out what lies beneath the opaque phrase “complications from lupus” or “complications from autoimmune disease.” Did they know this was the end? Or did it come as a surprise to them, as it did to us? I wonder how hard I should be pushing myself, how much time I have left, whether pushing too hard—for my career, for my scholarship—means less time to be in this world that I love with the people I love. I wonder what it is I can offer in return, to make sense of such senseless loss. I’m not afraid of death, but I’m not ready to be done here. Not by far. And I can’t know, but I suspect Sasha, Simone, and Laura weren’t either.